If I'm Running Someone Is Chasing Me With a Cattle Prod

I ran a half mile tonight!!

Now, before you judge too harshly, give me a sec to backpedal a bit.

Hi. My name's Shannon. I am 5'3" (on a good day) and I am 192 pounds (my boobs are between a D and a DD, in case you were curious). Yep. I'm fat. Quite, actually. No, I'm not particularly proud of that fact. Unfortunately, that hasn't made much of a difference so far. Time for a new approach.

A few months ago, my friend, Kathleen, dragged me and another friend, Melanie, to zumba. I'd never been before. I'd heard about it and had slowly gotten curious as I learned more. That didn't translate overly well to  getting myself out there to try it though. So Kathleen dragged us. And it was fun. But oh, goodness, it was difficult. I hadn't worked that hard (physically any way) in... well, a long time.

I went back. And have been continued to go once a week since. (I'd consider going more but I can't afford it and I really don't want to burn myself out.)

But, for those of you keeping track, that is exactly one day a week that I was exercising. And so one night, bored and restless and not nearly tired enough to go to bed, though I'm sure it was plenty late, I decided to go for a run. I got on google maps and figured out that if I ran down the street in front of my house for a bit, went a block down and came back (making a giant rectangle) it was 1.1 miles. Perfect! I thought. I started running and almost immediately my ankles and my shins started to hurt. A lot. But running and walking (okay, maybe mostly walking) I made the whole mile. A bit frustrated but surprisingly un-discouraged, I thought that maybe I would do it again another night.

And then LeakyCon 2013 announced that they were going to have a 5k run/walk thing at their Portland section, which is the one I'm going to. For some reason, I decided I really really wanted to participate. Not run the whole thing, just part of it. I can already walk 5k, I just want to be able to run the first mile or so, was the thought process.

I say I decided I wanted to participate "for some reason" because I actually hate running. I like dancing and swimming and biking and ice skating. Just plain running though? No, thank you. I'll do it occasionally, when I feel like it, but it's not even close to my first choice for exercising. And now I'd decided I wanted to be in a race? Ha ha ha... crap.

Griff, my boyfriend, whose parents are marathoners, said I should run every other day if I really wanted to make progress. I can honestly say that hasn't happened. But zumba once a week has helped. And I am running at least twice a week. Sometimes Griff and I are even making it to Scottish dancing on Mondays (I only get to go for 45 minutes though because of work. :c).

And now, finally, I have concrete proof of progress! Yay! *dances*

You know what's funny though? I haven't lost a single pound and I'm slowly turning into one of those people. You know, the ones who have running shirts, shorts, shoes, bras and playlists? Yep. I bought extra exercise shorts, a stretchy tank top thing (I still run in a large t-shirts a lot though), and replaced my tennis shoes just so I could exercise more than once a week, but especially so I could run without having to do laundry after zumba. Today I caved and finally made a running playlist for my iPod (I had been refusing to, but finding songs I can run to with shuffle is only getting harder and so...). I'm even hunting for a running bra (big boobs suck). It's weird. I still don't like running. I keep doing it though. I suspect it's pure stubbornness.

That's my leg! I used to have muscles! See! Proof!

We might end up walking from
Douglas to Peel or back. It's
about 10 miles.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I just want to be strong-- which is true, I do. I used to be able to go to a céili and dance for almost three hours straight without being sore afterwards. I can't do that anymore. And it hurts. Not just physically either. I love céilis. Being unable to dance the entire time at the few I do get to go to anymore (they're all on the wrong side of the mountains from where I currently live so I get to go to one every several months) is heartbreaking. I want to be able to dance the whole time again. I want to be able to walk across the Isle of Man when Griff and I go next year, just in case. But no matter how many times I tell myself that's why I'm doing this, it's not the only reason. 

There's also the sneaking and exceedingly deeply rooted hatred of what I see in the mirror every day. I can honestly say that I don't want to look like a model (I'm too short any way). I don't even want to be thin per se. I just... want to look different. Better. More "worthwhile." It is so embarassing and so sad (yes, even I know it's sad) to admit it. But it's true. Ironically (or maybe not so ironically. There are in fact consequences for not adjusting eating habits :P) weight loss or even a change in what I see in the mirror is what I haven't seen in the last two months that I've been consistently exercising. 

I mean, today I was trying on shorts and I fit into a 14 instead of a 16 for the first time in like a year, but when I stepped on the scale it still said 192. (I suspect the shorts just run large. The small self esteem boost is still appreciated.) I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me and/or that I'm slowly learning to love myself no matter what. I'd be lying if I did. 

I am however thrilled about managing to run a half mile and for today and tonight I can honestly say, that's enough. Now to celebrate by... going to bed. It's super late.

Finished At Last (Card Project)

This post is way over due. I meant to write it on New Year's Day but I got really sick on Christmas and stayed that way for almost two and a half weeks. I'm finally better, but I've spent the time since then catching up on urgent things like paying bills, and laundry.

So-- I'm finally finished with my card project! The idea was to try and send out cards to most of my friends who lived in other cities for every major holiday, in an attempt to keep in touch with them. And I did. I even got out a few cards for some of the minor holidays. That's not to say that I always (okay, ever) got my cards out on time (though I came awfully close at Christmas!). Or that I managed to get to everyone for every single holiday.

But, I did still manage to get at least something out for Valentine's Day, President's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. At most, I think I sent out over 30 cards for a holiday, and at least I did about 10 cards. Every single one had something, even if it was just a line or two, handwritten on it. That's a lot of writing and a lot stamps. It's also not counting birthday cards and presents.

I have to say, I'm proud of myself for managing to do as much as I did. As far as the first half of my goal went (getting stuff out for each major holiday) I think it was a success.

Unfortunately, as far as the second half goes (keeping in touch with my friends) it was a spectacular failure on almost all counts. There were a few people who I managed to get to respond almost consistently and who I had great fun exchanging letters/texts/Facebook messages with, but for the most part I heard little, if anything, back.

Now, I'm aware that letter writing takes time and at least the cost of a stamp, and maybe letters or short greetings (I'll admit I wimped out and sent short messages for several of the holidays) weren't the best way to get a hold of the majority of my friends. Still... I was kind of disappointed at the lack of response in any form.

And that's largely why I won't be continuing the project for another year. It was pretty expensive to buy the supplies and stamps to send all those things, and the time I spent writing and making the stuff I sent out was kind of ridiculous. It was fun, but I'm kind of looking forward to not stressing about getting 20 or so things in the mail every few weeks.

That's not to say that I won't try to get you a birthday card, or that I won't respond if you write to me (those of you who already have know that I will respond, it may just take forever). And I'll almost definitely send out Christmas cards again next year (it would be really nice if you could all try to keep me updated about your mailing addresses. Some of you move a LOT). But for the most part, the ball's in your court. I hope you know that I'd love to hear from you, whatever way is most convenient for you.

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! (yeah so I'm late. What else is new?)

<3s and hugs,
Shannon

A Plethora of Mail

I am single handedly keeping the postal service in Bend alive right now. Okay, maybe not really, but it kind of feels like it.

Every year at Christmas, I end up with a list of at least 30 people I want to do something for. Sometimes that something is as simple as send them a card. More often than not, I am disappointed to say, I never do hear if the card got to where I sent it. This is a bit disheartening, not the least because the majority of my friends now live in cities other than the one I currently reside in.

So, I'm starting a project. My goal is to try and mail something to my friends for most (all of them might be overkill) holidays. I'm starting with Christmas/Valentine's Day because a lot of my Christmas cards (to my great embarrassment) went out after New Year's and the Valentines were a couple of days late. It's been a bit of a slow start too because I had a fair few addresses to collect before I could really get started. But at this point I have most of the ones I need and have been mailing things like crazy. The idea being that my friends get their day brightened and know that I'm thinking of them. Hopefully they also respond in some way, even if it's just a facebook post to let me know it got there. At the end of the year, if that person hasn't responded once, then I am giving myself permission to stop trying.

So far I've done Christmas cards...

Valentines...

Yes, they're those kiddy ones from when you were in elementary school. And yes, they are in fact Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows themed. No, I do not know whose dumb idea that was. 

And American president flashcards for President's Day (which I think is creative and amusing, but may only be kind of weird)...

If I ever manage to get them all in the mail, I'll be off to a pretty good start, I think.

A Successful, If Unconventional, Halloween

I think this year's Halloween was actually a success.

The last two years haven't gone well (and that's an understatement). So, this year I thought I'd try and make it go a bit better. First I wanted to have a party. I have no idea where this impulse comes from because I don't actually like parties that much. But come it does, usually multiple times per year. The main problem was where to hold it. And that ended up being a big enough problem that it didn't happen. Then I thought that maybe I'd just dress up for school and hang out at my house and hand out candy with the boyfriend (he lives in the middle of nowhere so he's never given out candy. And it's also vaguely amusing to tally up how many trick-or-treaters we get).

Nanny Ogg

I'm six-years-old at heart though and I watched people buy their costumes and decorations and candy, it made me want to go trick-or-treating too. My dad made me stop when I was in seventh grade. Which was fine at that point because my peers were just starting to hold Halloween parties and I was actually invited. This year, without a ceili to go to or even a party to look in on, was the first time in a long time that I had nothing to do (including a speech tournament to prepare for/compete in 'cause I've done that on Halloween too). And so I came up with a way to go trick-or-treating that is a little more socially acceptable. Maybe. Kind of. A couple of my friends and I would dress up (because it's Halloween and costumes are fun and practically a necessity unless you're lame) and go "visit," aka get candy from, people we don't get to see very often, like friendly neighbors or old teachers.

Arthur Dent is the one on the right. 

More problems arose. Said friends did not have costumes, time, or money. Fortunately, I actually had costume ideas this year instead of my usual blank and vaguely panicked mind. Charlotte was supposed to be Nanny Ogg (from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels), Griff was supposed to be Arthur Dent (from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) and Kate was maybe going to be Goldilocks. I was going to be Pikachu because I also did not have time or money and I had already put the costume together for a birthday party over the summer.

Pikachu, who I was originally supposed to be

Well, Charlotte put together a witch costume just fine, but in order to mark her out as Nanny Ogg, she needed a stuffed gray cat to be Greebo. Kate needed a few more bears and possible some stockings. And having come up with these literary costumes for my friends, I now wanted a different costume too. We piled in Kate's van and headed out to Goodwill. Kate got two more stuffed bears to complete her bear family, but didn't find knee highs or white stockings. Charlotte found a creepy clown doll but not a single stuffed cat, gray or otherwise.

Obviously, we are super cool.

We headed to Fred Meyers. Kate got socks because white stockings are no in this year and obviously we should have known that (*headdesk*). Still no gray cat stuffed animals. I finally heard from Griff who had been at work. He was late getting done and had forgotten my Pikachu shirt at his house. He'd taken it earlier in the day to see if he could fix the tail and make it stand up better because it bothered him that it was floppy. Now, normally this would simply be annoying. BUT! Griff does not live in town. Griff lives 15 minutes outside of town. And he needed to get gas. Which meant that all told it would be another hour before he caught up with us and it was already 8pm. In a bigger town and not on a Monday night, trick-or-treating at 9pm wouldn't be a problem. But this is Bend where we don't know the meaning of this "nightlife" thing you speak of and aren't you all supposed to be in bed because it is already dark outside?

I got upset. An hour later would ruin my plans and make the time spent getting us all in costumes a waste. (I love my friends, but sometimes planning stuff with them is like herding cats. I didn't want all my herding to be for nothing.) Fortunately, Kate and Charlotte did not let me stay upset. They let me mutter about killing Griff and hiding his body for a few minutes and then began brainstorming for new costume ideas.

Kiki (just in case you don't know what the character looks like)

We eventually settled on Kiki (from Miyazaki's Kiki's Delivery Service) as being possible both cheaply and quickly. The main obstacle was shoes. Kiki wears red shoes. I have red high heels. But I can't really walk in them. Of course, there weren't any at Fred Meyers that would work (too expensive and didn't fit) so we ran back to Goodwill. No luck on red. I swear there were better red shoes there an hour before. None of them fit right now though. I ended up with brown shoes, which, while not strictly accurate, I would in fact wear again. Kate lent me a navy blue dress and a red sash to tie on my head. We grabbed a broom and called it good. (A black cat would have been nice, but no one seems to sell stuffed cats anymore so no luck there.) Griff showed up partway through assembling everything and so as soon as we finished, we all got in the car and set off for the people we wanted to visit. Not one

Charlotte wanted to bother her mom, whether her lights were on or not, we got back out of the van and giggled while Charlotte pounded on the door. Charlotte's mom did answer eventually and she gave us pumpkin bread (which was fantastic, by the way). Afters standing about awkwardly trying to decide whether or not to drive to California for In-N-Out Burger, we got back in the car. Kate wondered aloud how much pie at Shari's cost and our next destination was set.

Griff, Kate and Charlotte

The Stormtrooper from the group
across the aisle offered to take a picture of all  us. 

We were seated across from a fairly large party, one of whom, at least, Griff, Charlotte and I went to high school with. He recognized Griff too (though it was probably because of his hair, not because he was in band like this person thought). Even though we went in for pie, we all went for real food instead (I guess we were hungry. This always seems to happen though. Someone wants pie, so we go to Shari's. Once there, do we actually get pie? Nope. Almost never). We ate and talked and laughed and generally had a good time.

Back in the van, Kate decided to take Charlotte home first and we all laughed until our stomachs ached and our eyes teared up at an unintentionally hilarious story Griff told about being in Boy Scouts. We also discovered that it is possible Kate and Charlotte were in the same Girl Scout troop once upon a time.

After dropping off Charlotte, Griff and I rode with Kate to her house and our respective cars. So, even though things didn't go according to plan and it wasn't a spectacularly eventful or traditional Halloween (I'm carving my pumpkin sometime in the next couple of days), it was still fun and a lot better than the last couple. : )

Goldilocks (and her bears), Kiki and Arthur Dent

Summer Traditions

At Christmas there are presents and lights and a tree. At Halloween there are costumes and candy and pumpkins. At Valentine's day there are flowers and all together too much red and pink (don't you people know those two don't go together?). All special traditions for different seasons and holidays. Personally, I love traditions. Not all of them are wonderful (back to school shopping and the frenzy that produces in parents is never that fun), but for me they bring a connection to good times past.

I think most families have summer traditions. A lot of them, particularly here in Bend, probably revolve around camping. Vacationing as a family is probably another one. S'mores and swimming and the beach are all part of it. Unfortunately, my family doesn't really do any of these things regularly. Not anymore.

And yet, I do remember doing certain things in the summer as a kid like going to Elk or Suttle Lake to swim or playing in the sprinklers or a kiddie pool in the backyard. We would ride our bikes and play with the neighbors. Nothing big or very organized or ceremonial, just activities that we don't really do at another time of year (for obvious reasons I should think...).

A lot of these have slipped away recently. We don't go to the lake anymore. Kevin and I are too old (and too big) to fit into a kiddie pool. We don't have the kind of sprinklers conducive to running through. Now we work during the summer. We see our boyfriends and our girlfriends and we hang out with our friends.

It's not a huge loss, I suppose, seeing as the things we used to do were barely traditions at all. It's a natural progression to grow up and grow out of that stuff, right?

Maybe so. But I don't want to.

So, I've been thinking that maybe I will make up my own summer traditions and see how many of them I can keep each year.

1. Go swimming in a lake-- Suttle Lake or Elk Lake would fit in with what my family used to do, but seeing as I have no idea where I'll be living that might not be practical for very long. Rivers don't count.

2. Make s'mores over a real fire at least once-- Preferably on a beach but since that also might be a little hard depending on money and time and location we'll just say make s'mores once. (What? They're yummy.)

3. Go to the beach at least once-- Again with the location problems. Length of time doesn't matter though. A day trip will fulfill this one even if it won't leave me satisfied.

4. Bike ride. Lots-- Self-explanatory I should think...

5. Play Apples to Apples with friends-- Haven't managed to do this yet this year which is highly disappointing

6. Play at parks-- I've done a little of this, but I think I have more yet to do this summer

7. Go to at least one ceili-- This is extra dependent on location. It's kinda hard while I'm in Bend and they're all on the other sides of the mountains and if I, for some reason, end up in Michigan or Oklahoma it might now be possible at all. If I can't get to one, I should have my own.

8. At the end of the summer go to at least one play at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival-- This one I'm including, even though it won't be applicable anymore once I move out of Oregon, because it's fun and it's a great adventure.

That's all I can think up for the moment. Perhaps I'll add more another day.

Edit: Well, technically it's another day. I just have to add some of the ones Kate reminded me of any ways...

9. Hamburgers that dad grills-- Dad makes some of the best hamburgers I've ever had.

10. Have strawberry shortcake-- I like desserts a lot, okay? And strawberry shortcake just isn't right in any other season.

11. Go stargazing at least twice-- Twice because inevitably the moon will be bright or it will get cloudy or something one of those times. And if you're really lucky, you just get to look at spectacular stars twice.

Wrenches in the Works

Well, surprise surprise, things are have not quite gone as planned.

I had to move out of my apartment in Salem pretty right about two weeks after getting back. Griff and I went over and managed to get all my stuff packed and out in about 4 hours. Most of the furniture Allison sold me had to get donated, unfortunately. I also had to donate or toss everything I don't need or really really want. Moving is less than fun even in the best of circumstances (like when you actually want to leave where you've been living), as Griff and I found out while moving him out of his apartment in Portland. But seeing as I didn't actually want to move out because I liked the apartment and I liked living with Cat, this was even less fun. Regardless, we managed and all my stuff is in Bend, if not strictly in my possession.

See, the problem at the moment is that I've been living in three very different places for the last year. I have my room in Bend which has all my furniture and a lot of things I have collected or were given to me over the years. I went through all of it last year and got rid of as much of it as I could in a fit of temper, but there's still a fair amount of it floating around. Then there was my apartment in Salem. Well, to be truthful, I didn't have a lot outside of my room. Cat had a lot of furniture and decorations and even kitchen stuff so there wasn't really any need for me to get any. But still, I have a toaster oven and towels and a baking supplies and other things like that  that there's no use for in an already furnished house. And then there's all my stuff from Galway, Ireland. There's even less there, but a lot of it is now irreplaceable and very important to me. Still, it's not necessarily particularly useful stuff or things I strictly need. Since my current lodgings are at dad's house in Bend, I've kind of descended on his house in a cloud of stuff. Somehow I have to fit it all into the smallest of the three rooms I've lived in recently and there really isn't any extra space as it is, in my room or elsewhere in the house.

The other big wrench is that reality, in her rather nasty sort of way, decided that it'd be fun to remind me just how big the numbers are. To be perfectly honest, I maxed out my credit card while in Europe. Not fun, but it was kind of necessary so we could eat and sleep and try to get back to Ireland in order to catch our flight home. Which means that now I get to pay it off. On top of that, my loans are scary large. The amount I make every two weeks at Target is absolutely tiny in comparison and I will never get out of the hole at this rate. So even though things at Target have been, for the most part, a bit better (now, don't get me wrong, it's still back breaking and demeaning and the general public is still incredibly stupid, but some small parts have improved) if they don't double the amount of hours they're giving me and/or my pay, I'm going to have to get a second or completely different job. Which, I know, was part of the plan originally, but I wanted to do it when I was able to live on my own. Again though, at this rate I'll never get out of dad's house.

Maybe this is something unique to me, but I've looked at job postings several times over since I got my job and each time, when I think of applying for something a creeping sort of terror comes over me. What if I can't figure out how to do the job? What if it's too hard? What if I don't get along with my bosses? What if they don't train me how to do enough of it? Etc, etc and ten seconds later and I've talked myself out of even trying.  I guess what I'm really wondering is if this is something that only I do to myself or if it's something that other people do. Is this a part of why some people get stuck at jobs like Target? Because it's easier to stick with what you have and what you know how to do than to strike out on something that might be better or might not?

Any ways, beyond some rather large wrenches and the timeline in the original plan having to be completely scrapped (okay, a lot of the original plan will have to be re-thought now) things are going mostly okay. It's not all smooth sailing (by any means) but I'm getting through okay. And hey, I finally get paid on July 1st. Yay?

Changes

I have no idea how to start this. I guess I'll just jump in?

I'm not going back to Willamette for my final year. Lots of things played into that decision, but in the end, it was mine to make. I'm not thrilled I won't be getting my degree on time and that I have a crap ton of loans to try and pay back, but I'm not heartbroken either. I've never been particularly happy at Willamette. I love the friends that I made there, I liked my job and I appreciate the opportunities that have come from going there (working at the Elsinore, getting involved with ceili dancing, the Lilly Retreat, getting to go to Ireland, etc), but as far as academics and most of my social experiences have gone, I've been pretty miserable. Hopefully this will be an opportunity to turn that around.

Which brings me to the question of what next? In the short term, I will be living at home until roughly the end of June. Then I'll be living with a friend here in Bend for a month or so. During this time I will be returning to my job at Target. The goal is to get out of Bend and (probably) move back to Salem by sometime between August to September. I can't leave sooner because I need to build up some savings again, start paying off my debts from my "grand tour" of Europe and get ready to pay off my student loans. I also need to be able to make rent and pay bills on my own. As of now, I can't really do any of this so I'll be around for a bit (at least for those of you in Bend). 

The longer term plans are to get a job other than Target (something that pays better *fingers crossed*), be in Salem for a while (no idea how long at this point), get back into reading for fun (which has been sadly neglected over the last couple years), work on my photography (yay!), practice baking, do lots of dancing and recover from being completely burnt out on school. I'm hoping (okay, maybe more like dreaming) to be able to spend a week on the Isle of Man in a year or so. A little further out, I think I'd like to go back to school. Almost definitely not back to Willamette though. I don't think they can offer me what I need or want, unfortunately. I want to look into trying to take some classes in photography (not towards a career though), maybe one or two on architecture for my own edification, more history, and maybe some medievals studies and archeology. I have no idea where I can do this just yet, but seeing as I don't really want to be in school right now any ways it's a moot point. In and around this I want to travel more, most importantly back to Ireland, but to other places too. I want to go back to Japan, I want to spend more time exploring all the countries I visited on my "grand tour" and I'd like to see more of Asia and maybe some of Africa. The longest term goal is to get back to Ireland and hopefully figure out a way to live there. 

So... yeah. That's what's going on right about now. Just thought you might like to know.