All of this probably makes me sound really touchy-feely, doesn't it. The funny thing is that I'm not. I actually really don't like being touched a lot of the time. Growing up, I never enjoyed being cuddled or hugged or kissed. It was my brother who sought it out. My personal space is important to me and it makes me uncomfortable to be touched by people that I'm not well-- comfortable with.
And yet, I'm posting this picture as my Facebook profile picture and I'm writing to you about touch.
I guess what's happened is, I've learned to appreciate touch more even if I still don't want everyone or just anyone touching me. (for all of you who live in the gutter, go ahead and get your giggles out now, I'm not and will not be talking about inappropriate or sexual anything)
I don't know if any of you have noticed this, but people don't touch much. When you meet someone, you might shake their hand, but it's intentionally brief. After that it may be weeks, months or years before you touch in any way other than accidentally again. It's usually the people we know and like best and/or our families that we can depend on for hugs or pokes or a touch on the shoulder.
What happens if, all of sudden, none of your friends or family is about and you're surrounded by new people? No more touch. No more hugs, no more poking, nothing more than the occasional handshake. That's what happened to me when I started college. I went from having several groups of friends and lots of people, including family, to hug and poke to no one. I don't make friends quickly or easily and I didn't have the happy luck of running into someone who was touchy-feely and very friendly right from the beginning. This made the beginning of college even more isolating. I hadn't realized how much those hug attacks from behind or the high fives or whatever had meant to me. They were a sign that I was accepted and liked, a comfort when I was upset and a way for me to show the people around me that I cared. All of a sudden I was surrounded by strangers and it felt like there was this wall up around everyone. We were not about to start hugging each other willy-nilly or even shaking hands overly much. Most people eventually made friends who they could touch. I really didn't, at least, not until the lack of touch was getting kind of damaging. It got in my head and, along with other things, planted unhappy ideas there. When I did make friends (and I love you Becca and Emily and Jessie and Jenny and Sarah and Cat, so don't get the wrong idea) it wasn't an instant fix. It took time to get to know each other and to become comfortable enough to hug or whatever. I probably didn't help things by being awkward and shy. Eventually, the edge of desperation did wear off my wish for hugs even if I never did manage to return to my happy levels of physical contact in high school (this is through no fault of my friends).
Now, I'm in a foreign country. There are seven other students in my program, six of which are from my school. A professor and her family (her husband, daughter and son) accompanied us. I didn't know any of the students or the professor by much more than sight before I came. I didn't have any friends waiting for me in Ireland. I was effectively alone. Again. I have made friends since being here, I think I can call all the students in my program and hopefully even my professor and her family, along with a few other people I met outside of our group, my friends. But it's still kind of a bleak scene hug-wise. And definitely no poking or booping (you touch someone on the tip of the nose and say, "Boop!" It's surprisingly fun). It was extra hard too with the few Irish students I've actually had prolonged contact with to know when it's okay to break the hug barrier. What if it's different here? What if that's not okay? I don't know the rules or nuances and there's no way I could know, not having grown up here. So far, I think I've done okay and not seriously offended anyone (maybe just awkwarded them out. Sorry David and Lauren...).
I love Ireland, I really do, but I think it's the lack of human contact that makes me miss the US more than anything. I miss holding Griff's hand and hugging Charlotte and booping Kevin. If I could import that (and maybe some of the Irish dancing I actually know how to do) then I'd probably never want to leave.
So, I guess the point of all this is to maybe be aware of touch. I'm not advocating you get touchy-feely. I'm not even asking you to go break the hug barrier with all your acquaintances. Maybe next time one of your newer friends is not okay, offer them a hug. See if we can, slowly, make it okay to pat someone on the shoulder or touch their hair without having to have known them super well for at least a year. Because I don't know about all of you, but I like being comforted and feeling accepted and cared about. Plus, as long as you stay away from groping, you're less likely to get yourself in trouble by just giving someone in distress a hug than trying to come up with the right words (right Griff?).
Thanks to DomiSM on Deviantart for the graphic that started all of this. : )
