Well, surprise surprise, things are have not quite gone as planned.
I had to move out of my apartment in Salem pretty right about two weeks after getting back. Griff and I went over and managed to get all my stuff packed and out in about 4 hours. Most of the furniture Allison sold me had to get donated, unfortunately. I also had to donate or toss everything I don't need or really really want. Moving is less than fun even in the best of circumstances (like when you actually want to leave where you've been living), as Griff and I found out while moving him out of his apartment in Portland. But seeing as I didn't actually want to move out because I liked the apartment and I liked living with Cat, this was even less fun. Regardless, we managed and all my stuff is in Bend, if not strictly in my possession.
See, the problem at the moment is that I've been living in three very different places for the last year. I have my room in Bend which has all my furniture and a lot of things I have collected or were given to me over the years. I went through all of it last year and got rid of as much of it as I could in a fit of temper, but there's still a fair amount of it floating around. Then there was my apartment in Salem. Well, to be truthful, I didn't have a lot outside of my room. Cat had a lot of furniture and decorations and even kitchen stuff so there wasn't really any need for me to get any. But still, I have a toaster oven and towels and a baking supplies and other things like that that there's no use for in an already furnished house. And then there's all my stuff from Galway, Ireland. There's even less there, but a lot of it is now irreplaceable and very important to me. Still, it's not necessarily particularly useful stuff or things I strictly need. Since my current lodgings are at dad's house in Bend, I've kind of descended on his house in a cloud of stuff. Somehow I have to fit it all into the smallest of the three rooms I've lived in recently and there really isn't any extra space as it is, in my room or elsewhere in the house.
The other big wrench is that reality, in her rather nasty sort of way, decided that it'd be fun to remind me just how big the numbers are. To be perfectly honest, I maxed out my credit card while in Europe. Not fun, but it was kind of necessary so we could eat and sleep and try to get back to Ireland in order to catch our flight home. Which means that now I get to pay it off. On top of that, my loans are scary large. The amount I make every two weeks at Target is absolutely tiny in comparison and I will never get out of the hole at this rate. So even though things at Target have been, for the most part, a bit better (now, don't get me wrong, it's still back breaking and demeaning and the general public is still incredibly stupid, but some small parts have improved) if they don't double the amount of hours they're giving me and/or my pay, I'm going to have to get a second or completely different job. Which, I know, was part of the plan originally, but I wanted to do it when I was able to live on my own. Again though, at this rate I'll never get out of dad's house.
Maybe this is something unique to me, but I've looked at job postings several times over since I got my job and each time, when I think of applying for something a creeping sort of terror comes over me. What if I can't figure out how to do the job? What if it's too hard? What if I don't get along with my bosses? What if they don't train me how to do enough of it? Etc, etc and ten seconds later and I've talked myself out of even trying. I guess what I'm really wondering is if this is something that only I do to myself or if it's something that other people do. Is this a part of why some people get stuck at jobs like Target? Because it's easier to stick with what you have and what you know how to do than to strike out on something that might be better or might not?
Any ways, beyond some rather large wrenches and the timeline in the original plan having to be completely scrapped (okay, a lot of the original plan will have to be re-thought now) things are going mostly okay. It's not all smooth sailing (by any means) but I'm getting through okay. And hey, I finally get paid on July 1st. Yay?
It's not just you. The creeping terror when job hunting, I mean. It's terrifying to put yourself on the line like that. There's a lot riding on getting a job. Every time I send in an application and they don't give me an interview, it's like they're saying that I'm not good enough. Even though I try to make myself out to be some kind of superhero on my applications and resume. And, like you said, it's hard not to be scared about what the job is actually going to be like if you do get it. I think the only reason I actually managed to get a job this time is that I didn't have any other option. If I'd actually had a job I probably wouldn't have done what it took to get a better one.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you manage to find one you like better than Target, but even if you don't I'll always be here for you to support you through the tough times <3